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04/01/2020

Shadowy "Hipsterati" organization lobbies OLCC for dress code, upper age limit, other restrictions in clubs

An anonymous source at OLCC said today, "We're treating this with great seriousness. Like at a four-way stop sign, we're waiting to see who goes first on this issue. I will say that we got lobbied heavily from a TV series known for its depiction of Portland hipster stereotypes. They want to reinforce perpetual reruns.  Not that I can name any names, but it's Portlandia."

 

The little-known but highly influential network of Portland tastemakers known as the "Hipsterati" is said to have petitioned the Oregon Liquor Control Commission last week to enact severe restrictions on clubs that feature music in the Metropolitan Portland area.

A source at OLCC, speaking on background, said today, "We're treating this with great seriousness. Like at a four-way stop sign, we're waiting to see who goes first on this issue. I will say that we have gotten lobbied heavily from a TV show known for its depiction of Portland hipster stereotypes. They want to reinforce perpetual reruns. Not that I can name any names but it's Portlandia." He went on to say that the producers of Portlandia were shaken by the recent disappearance of man-buns from certain establishments all over town.

"Don't scoff at this," he continued, "There are powerful forces at work to make these restrictions happen. There are a lot of people making a lot of money off of the Indie music scene we've gotten so famous for. None of them are musicians, but that's how it goes.

"I expect a ruling by the OLCC in about a month. They bend over backwards to please these guys."

Among others, the new restrctions would include

• A dress code which includes mandatory wrinkled shirts for men, worn outside the trouser, plus jeans and either a wool or faux "men's" hat. Thrift store receipts will be helpful.  For women, inappropriately mismatched outfits will be required. Mismatched outfits accepted for either gender. The group's petition refers to the style as "Northwest Drab."

• No person over the age of 40 allowed in clubs after 10pm. The Hipsterati petition is quoted as reading, "This provision formalizes a pre-existing condition. No person older than 40 has ever been found in a club."

• IDs will be required at 10pm and those over 40 will be asked to vacate the premises.

• Gluten-free after 10pm. Donuts excepted.

• Diminished chords forbidden from any musician.

• A cap on musician salaries, for the ones getting paid already.

• No music journalists of the age of 27 allowed in the club.

• Mandatory use of smart phone at minimum 10 minute intervals.

• The Hipsterati reserves the right to designate which drinks are deemed cool enough to stay on the menu.

• One polyamourous person in the club per night.

A hearing will be held next week on the petition.

 

oh, and April FOOL!

First published April 1, 2013 AND NOTHING HAD CHANGED! (Until now.)

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